It will never be easy telling your young child that a loved one or a pet has died, but grief specialists suggest this step-by-step advice for laying the groundwork now.

告诉你的孩子，所爱的人或宠物已经死了，让他一下子接受是不容易的，悲伤专家建议你现在就开始做基础工作。

Elsie Iudicello’s 5-year-old son has dealt with two heartbreaking losses in his short life—the beloved family dog, Frankie, died, and less than a year later, his great-aunt passed away after a long battle with cancer. “We prayed for her every night,” says Iudicello, of South Florida. “But my son was able to handle his aunt’s passing better because of how he talked about Frankie all the time in the months in between.”

Elsie Iudicello的5岁儿子在他短暂的生命中经历了两件令人心碎的事情——心爱的狗狗弗兰基去世了，不到一年之后，他的姑妈在与癌症的长期斗争中去世了。“我们每天晚上都为她祈祷，”南佛罗里达的Iudicello说。“但是，我的儿子能够比较容易的接受他的姑妈的去世，因为他在这两个月的谈话中总是谈论着弗兰基。”

Making death a part of normal conversations is vital for children of all ages, experts say, but young ones especially benefit because the concept of life being over is confusing and they usually don’t have the vocabulary to fully express how they’re feeling. Learn how you can gently bring up the topic with toddlers and preschoolers—as well as what to do when a loss strikes your family.

专家说，让死亡成为正常谈话的一部分对所有年龄段的孩子都是至关重要的，但年轻人尤其受益，因为生命的概念已经被混淆了，他们通常没有足够的词汇来表达他们的感受。学习你如何温柔地把话题带向幼儿和学龄前儿童以及当你失去家人的时候该怎么做。

Prepare Now

现在就开始准备

Try to help your child understand death before it touches her life significantly, says Ashleigh Schopen, a Certified Child Life Specialist who provides support for the siblings of intensivecare patients at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. Start by pointing out some of the cycles in nature. “I recently talked to my 3-year-old about our houseplant that died,” says Schopen. “I told her it’s no longer living and what that meant: It can’t take up water anymore or grow with sunlight. And I made sure to add that it can’t come back again, because the permanence of death is something that young kids have the hardest time understanding.”

美国费城儿童医院的儿童生活专家Ashleigh Schopen说，在孩子接触到死亡之前，试着帮助他们理解死亡。首先指出自然界的一些循环。“我最近和我3岁的孩子谈过我们家的植物死了，”Schopen说。“我告诉她，它不再活了，这意味着什么:它不能再吸收水分，也不能在阳光下生长。”我还想补充说，它不能再回来了，因为死亡的持久性是小孩子最难以理解的东西。

Showing your child the butterfly that died on the porch, or fruit that was alive but now looks rotten, are other ways to bring up the topic, suggests Judith Simon Prager, Ph.D., a clinical homeopath and coauthor of Verbal First Aid. “Even a bubble that bursts can show how all things come to an end,” she notes.

“向你的孩子展示在门廊上死去的蝴蝶，或者是活着的水果，但现在看起来已经腐烂了，这是另一种提出这个话题的方法，”临床顺势疗法医生、口头急救的合著者朱迪思西蒙普拉格博士说。"即使是一个破裂的气泡也能显示一切都是如何结束的，"她写道。

You can also raise the subject if it comes up in a movie like Finding Nemo and when death tangentially affects your family, such as when a neighbor or even your best friend’s dog dies. “The more often you talk about death—and what it means—the less scared and confused your child will be when it happens to a family member,” says Schopen.

你也可以提出这个话题，如果它出现在电影中，比如《海底总动员》，当死亡对你的家庭产生影响时，比如邻居，甚至是你最好的朋友的狗死了。Schopen说:“你越经常谈论死亡——以及它的含义——你的孩子在家庭成员发生的时候就会变得不那么害怕和困惑。”

Share Sad News Directly

直接分享悲伤的消息

“Try to avoid euphemisms like, ‘She’s in a better place,’ because they can be scary or confusing for young children,” says Schopen. Instead, talk to your child in a familiar spot, where he has a favorite toy nearby to help him feel more comfortable. Then, as he’s playing, be honest and concrete, even if it might sound a little cold: “You could say, ‘Grandpa died. When people die, their body stops working and they can’t eat, walk, or play anymore. You won’t be able to see them anymore.’ ”

“尽量避免使用委婉语，比如‘她在一个更好的地方’，因为他们对年幼的孩子可能会感到害怕或困惑，”Schopen说。相反，在一个熟悉的地方和你的孩子交谈，他在附近有一个喜欢的玩具，帮助他感觉更舒服。然后，在他演奏的时候，要诚实和具体，即使这听起来有点冷:“你可以说，爷爷去世了。”当人们死亡，他们的身体停止工作，他们不能吃，走路，或玩耍。你再也看不到他们了。’

If your child responds by asking if the person’s body can be fixed, say, “When a body stops working, it can never start again,” suggests Jill Macfarlane, program director at The Sharing Place, a nonprofit in Salt Lake City that helps children cope with the death of a loved one. But it’s also common for toddlers not to have any questions, so don’t worry if your child seems uninterested. In fact, it’s not likely that your toddler will cry, even if you do. “Young children don’t attach the same level of emotion as adults because they don’t fully grasp the concept of death,” says Parents advisor Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Ph.D.

如果你的孩子回答说:“当一个人的身体停止工作时，它就再也不能重新开始了。”该组织的项目主管吉尔·麦克法莱恩建议说。该公司是盐湖城的一个非营利组织，帮助孩子们应对所爱的人的死亡。但对于刚学走路的孩子来说，没有任何问题也很常见，所以不要担心你的孩子似乎不感兴趣。事实上，即使你的孩子会哭，也不太可能会哭。家长顾问艾琳·肯尼迪-摩尔博士说:“小孩子不像成年人那样具有相同的情感水平，因为他们没有完全掌握死亡的概念。”

Finally, make sure your child knows it’s not his fault. Preschoolers tend to think that the world revolves around them, so they may feel some misguided sense of blame. Reassure your child that it was nothing he did—and that no one could have stopped the death from happening. “He may have thought something bad about Grandma, and now that she’s dead, he’s afraid he made it happen,” says Barbara Coloroso, author of Parenting Through Crisis: Helping Kids in Times of Loss, Grief, and Change. “Explain that there was nothing anyone did that made her go away, and we can’t bring her back again.”

最后，要确保你的孩子知道这不是他的错。学龄前儿童倾向于认为世界是围绕着他们转的，所以他们可能会有一些被误导的感觉。让你的孩子放心，他没有做任何事，也没有人能阻止死亡的发生。“他可能对奶奶有过一些不好的想法，现在她已经死了，他担心他会让这一切发生，”芭芭拉-比奥索说，她是“危机中的育儿：帮助孩子们在失去、悲伤和改变的时候”的作者。“解释一下，没有人让她离开，我们也不能让她回来。”

Get Through the First Few Days

度过最初的几天

After you’ve lost someone you love, try to stick as close to your child’s normal routine as possible (even if you need to get a friend to take her to preschool or ballet class). Doing this may help ease some of the behavioral changes that are common in young kids, such as acting silly or hyper or regressing to old habits like thumb-sucking, says Macfarlane.

在你失去了一个你爱的人之后，试着尽可能的接近你孩子的正常生活(即使你需要一个朋友带她去学前班或芭蕾舞班)。麦克法兰说，这样做可能有助于缓解孩子们常见的一些行为变化，比如表现得愚蠢、过度或倒退到像“吮拇指”这样的老习惯。

Expect your child to keep asking you what happened or when your relative or pet will be coming back. “Day after day, she might ask you the same questions,” says Dr. Kennedy-Moore. “Don’t think that she’s looking for deeper meaning, because she’s not. She needs you to answer the questions consistently, as painful as it is, because it will help her start to grasp the finality of death.”

如果你的孩子一直问你发生了什么事，或者你的亲戚或宠物什么时候会回来。“日复一日，她可能会问你同样的问题，”肯尼迪-摩尔博士说。不要以为她在寻找更深层的意义，因为她不是。她需要你始终如一地回答这些问题，因为这会帮助她开始了解死亡的最终结局.

During this time, you don’t need to hide your feelings from your child or pretend things are fine. “If she sees you cry, explain what you’re feeling and why,” says Dr. Kennedy-Moore. “You can also suggest how to respond. For instance, you could say, ‘I’m feeling sad because I’m missing Grandma. I could use a hug!’ ”

在这段时间里，你不需要向孩子隐瞒你的感受，也不需要假装一切都很好。“如果她看到你哭泣，说明你的感受和原因，”肯尼迪-摩尔博士说。你也可以建议如何回应。比如，你可以说:“我很难过，因为我想念奶奶。”我需要一个拥抱!’”

Soon after Dr. Kennedy-Moore’s mom died, her kids thought that they were “going high enough on the swing that maybe they’d see Grandma in heaven,” she recalls. “Their excitement was touching, but also heartbreaking for me.” Iudicello’s son played “dead dog,” reenacting the family pet’s death over and over again through pretend play. “He was trying to understand it,” says Iudicello, founder of Farmhouse Schoolhouse blog. “There is an urge to say, ‘Let’s play something nice and happy!’ but this is how he sorted through his feelings.”

在肯尼迪-摩尔的母亲去世后不久，她的孩子们认为他们“在秋千上走得够高了，也许他们会在天堂看到祖母”，她回忆道。他们的激情令人感动，但也让我心碎。Iudicello的儿子扮演了“死狗”，通过假装的游戏，一遍又一遍的重复着家庭宠物的死亡。“他在试图理解这个问题。”(Iudicello)(Iudicello)说。

You may even find your child acting out scenarios about death, which is a healthy way to process her feelings. “Her play is like a book you can read to understand her thoughts,” says Margret Nickels, Ph.D., director of the Erikson Institute Center for Children and Families. She may have some mistaken notions that you can clear up. “For example, if your child pretends that she’s feeding her doll ice cream and then all of a sudden the doll gets sick and dies, you could step in and say, ‘You know, Uncle John’s heart stopped working because his heart was sick, and doctors couldn’t help him. It really wasn’t because of anything he ate,’ ” says Dr. Nickels.

你甚至可能会发现你的孩子正在表演死亡的场景，这是一种处理她感情的健康方式。“她的剧本就像一本书，你可以读来了解她的想法，”Margret Nickels博士说，她是埃里克松儿童与家庭中心的主任。她可能有一些错误的想法，你可以澄清。“例如，如果你的孩子假装她正在给她的洋娃娃吃冰淇淋，然后突然间洋娃娃生病了，你就会说，‘你知道，约翰叔叔的心脏停止工作了，因为他的心脏有病，医生也帮不了他。’”这真的不是因为他吃了什么，”尼克斯博士说。

Handle the Funeral

参加葬礼

“Whether or not a young child should go to a funeral is the number-one question parents ask me,” says Schopen. Her response: yes, if a child expresses an interest in going. But prepare your child for what the funeral will be like, and ask a friend or a sitter to join to help watch your child (and take him to a separate room or outside to play, if needed) so you can grieve. Having your little one around may in fact bring you comfort. “It was so good to have my son there as a ray of sunshine on a sad day,” says Jaime Livingood, of Emmaus, Pennsylvania, who took Colton, 3, to her 93-year-old grandmother’s wake.

"孩子应该去参加葬礼是父母问我的第一个问题，" Schopen说。她的回答是:是的，如果一个孩子表达了想去的兴趣。但你要为你的孩子准备葬礼的样子，请朋友或保姆来帮忙照看你的孩子，如果需要的话，带他去一个独立的房间或室外玩耍，这样你就可以哀悼了。把你的小宝贝带在身边其实会给你带来安慰。“在悲伤的日子里，让我在我的儿子在那里得到一缕阳光真是太好了，”宾夕法尼亚州埃莫的杰米利文古德说。她带着3岁的科尔顿来到了她93岁的祖母的葬礼。

Afterward, continue to help your child remember your loved one. “Open the door to conversation by saying something like, ‘Grandpa misses Grandma. Could you draw him a picture?’ ” suggests Dr. Kennedy-Moore. You can also leave a photo album of your loved one on the table so your child can look at it with you when she’s ready. The healing process takes time, but you’ll get through it together.

之后,继续帮助你的孩子记得你所爱的人。打开谈话的门，说“爷爷想念奶奶，你能给他画张画吗？”肯尼迪-摩尔博士建议。你也可以把你爱人的相册放在桌上，这样你的孩子就可以在她准备好的时候和你一起看。治疗过程需要时间，但你会一起度过难关。