Saying "No" Is Normal

Three-year-old Max Colby doesn't like to wear underwear or short-sleeved shirts. His mom, Andrea, would love to know why -- but Max can't quite explain his objections. "All he does is rip his clothes off and yell 'no, no, no,'" she says. "I have no idea how to handle it."

If you think that you and your defiant toddler are constantly sparring like this, you're right: A recent study in Child Development showed that 2- and 3-year-olds argue with their parents 20 to 25 times an hour! You may get exhausted just looking at those numbers, but there is an upside to all the showdowns. "Kids this age are realizing that they can assert themselves, and arguing with you is one way they gain confidence," says John Sargent, MD, a child psychiatrist and professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Baylor College of Medicine, in Houston. Remember: The world is still a big, mysterious place to your toddler, and he feels pretty powerless in it. Saying no is a normal, healthy way for him to feel as if he has some control.

Still, constant conflicts aren't fun, and they're often tricky to solve. Giving in sets a bad precedent, while being too strict or forcing your child to do what you want can make him feel helpless, scared, angry -- and even more defiant. Try these strategies to turn your talking-back toddler into a "yes" kid.

Focus on the Positive

Your toddler doesn't like hearing "no" all the time any more than the rest of us, but think about how many times you say it to her every day ("No pulling the dog's tail!" "No standing on the chair!"). It's enough to put anyone in a crabby mood. "Tell your child what you want her to do rather than what you don't want her to do," says Angie T. Cranor, PhD, assistant professor of human development and family studies at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. For example, "Don't roll on the floor in your new dress" is more likely to start an argument than "Please sit on the couch in that pretty dress so it stays clean." Tone is also important. Of course you're going to yell if your child is about to run into traffic, but she's more likely to do what you ask when you use a calm, firm voice.

Give Reasons for Your Requests

Toddlers are less likely to pitch a fit when you tell them why they can't get their way. Vivian J. Malauulu's 3-year-old son, Jordan, loves climbing the jungle gym in his backyard, but he often stops halfway up and refuses to budge. And Malauulu, who is seven months pregnant, has no choice but to talk him down. "When I explain that I can't come up to get him because I have a baby in my tummy, he usually stops trying to convince me," she says. Most toddlers can understand simple explanations like that, says Deborah Laible, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Lehigh University, in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. You don't need to go into all the details; if you do, your kid could tune you out or end up confused.

Don't Always Make the Decisions

"Giving your toddler choices helps satisfy her need to feel in control," says Dr. Cranor. If she refuses to put down her favorite blocks when it's time to eat dinner, distract her by asking whether she would prefer a glass of milk or apple juice with her meal. If getting dressed is a constant drama, let her choose her outfit, even if she ends up looking like a Project Runway reject. "When you allow your child to make small decisions, she'll feel proud -- and be more likely to say 'yes' to your requests in the future," says Dr. Cranor.

Encourage Imitation

You know your toddler loves to imitate you and play grown-up, so use that to your advantage the next time he won't cooperate, says Dr. Laible. If he won't put on his socks, for example, say, "My feet are cold, so I'm going to put on a warmer pair. Your feet must be cold too -- why don't we put on our socks together?"

Get Her into Giggle Mode

There are certain times when your toddler will always say no. If you try to break up her dolls' tea party because it's bathtime, chances are she'll refuse to get anywhere near the tub. But if you can turn your request into a game, you're both more likely to end up laughing instead of arguing. Suggest that she hop her way to the bathroom, count how many big (or teeny-tiny) steps it takes to get there, or make up her own silly bathtime song.

Reward Good Behavior

Chances are you've been guilty of giving your child a cookie or treat to head off a meltdown at the supermarket. But while this tactic might work, it's not a good long-term strategy, says Dr. Cranor. "When you reward your child for misbehaving, she'll probably act even worse the next time." The better bet: Praise her when she behaves and shower her with hugs and kisses. "A little positive attention can really go a long way," she says.

That's not to say that rewards are always off-limits, says Dr. Sargent -- though food and money should be. Instead, offer stickers, crayons, five extra minutes of playtime, or an extra book at bedtime when your toddler behaves. Just be sure to reward her for her good behavior quickly -- time is too abstract for toddlers to understand yet, so future promises don't mean much.

Prepare for Common "No" Occasions

There are some occasions when you can clearly see a "no"-fest coming on. Be prepped to head off your toddler's defiance when you encounter these sticky situations.

Naptime or bedtime

This one's a biggie, because children are even more likely to spar with you when they're tired.

Mealtime

Your child almost always has to make the transition from a fun activity when it's time to eat a meal.

Meeting new playmates or starting daycare

Any kind of unfamiliar experience can make some kids freak out.

At the mall or a busy playground

When they're overwhelmed by people, sights, and sounds, kids are rarely agreeable.

A trip to the doctor's office

Hey, your child hasn't forgotten the shots or icky medicine from the last appointment!

 

说“不”是正常的

3岁的Max Colby不喜欢穿内衣或短袖衬衫。他的妈妈安德里亚很想知道为什么——但是麦克斯不能很好地解释他的反对意见。她说:“他只会把衣服扯下来，大喊‘不，不，不’。”"我不知道该怎么处理"

如果你认为你和你那叛逆的孩子经常这样争吵，你是对的:最近在儿童发展方面的一项研究表明，2- 3岁的孩子每小时与父母争吵20到25次!你可能会因为看到这些数字而疲惫不堪，但所有的失败都有一个好处。“这个年龄的孩子们意识到他们可以坚持自己的观点，和你争论是他们获得自信的一种方式，”马里兰州贝勒医学院的儿童精神病学家、精神病学和行为科学教授约翰·萨金特(John Sargent)说。记住:对你的孩子来说，这个世界仍然是一个巨大的、神秘的地方，他觉得自己很无能。说“不”是一种正常的、健康的方式，让他觉得自己有某种控制力。

尽管如此，不断的冲突并不有趣，而且解决起来也很棘手。在设定一个不好的先例，当你太严厉或者强迫你的孩子做你想做的事情时，会让他感到无助、害怕、生气——甚至更加目中无人。试试下面这些策略，让你的孩子变成一个“是”的孩子。

关注积极的一面

你的孩子不喜欢听“不”，比我们其他人都多，但是想想你每天对她说多少次（“不要拉狗的尾巴！”“不要站在椅子上!”这足以让任何人陷入暴躁的情绪。“告诉你的孩子你想让她做什么，而不是你不想让她做什么，”Angie T. Cranor博士说，他是北卡罗莱纳大学格林斯博罗分校人类发展和家庭研究的助理教授。例如，“不要在你的新裙子上滚地板”更有可能引发一场争论，而不是“请坐在沙发上，让它保持干净。”语气也很重要。当然，如果你的孩子即将遇到交通堵塞，你会大喊大叫，但当你用平静、坚定的声音时，她更有可能做你想做的事。

给出你的请求的理由。

当你告诉刚学走路的孩子们为什么他们不能走自己的路的时候，他们就不太可能去做。薇薇安·j·马卢鲁(Vivian J. Malauulu) 3岁的儿子乔丹(Jordan)喜欢在自己的后院爬上攀登架，但他经常中途停下来，拒绝挪动。而怀有7个月身孕的Malauulu别无选择，只能说服他。她说:“当我解释说我不能上来找他的时候，因为我肚子里有个孩子，他通常会停止试图说服我。”宾夕法尼亚州伯利恒的Lehigh University的心理学副教授Deborah Laible博士说，大多数幼儿都能理解这种简单的解释。你不需要了解所有的细节;如果你这么做了，你的孩子就会把你弄晕，或者搞混了。

不要总是做决定

克兰诺博士说:“让你的孩子做选择有助于满足她的控制欲。”如果她在吃晚饭的时候拒绝放下她最喜欢的东西，那就去问她是否想要一杯牛奶或苹果汁。如果穿衣服是一场持续的戏剧，让她选择她的服装，即使她最终看起来像一个项目跑道的拒绝。克兰诺博士说:“当你允许你的孩子做小决定时，她会感到骄傲，并且在将来更有可能对你的请求说‘是’。”

鼓励模仿

你知道你的孩子喜欢模仿你，玩成人游戏，所以下次他不合作的时候，就利用这一点吧，Laible博士说。例如，如果他不穿袜子，就说:“我的脚很冷，所以我要穿上暖和的袜子。”你的脚一定也很冷——我们为什么不一起穿上袜子呢?”

让她咯咯地笑

有些时候，你的孩子总会说不。如果你试图破坏她的娃娃茶派对，因为这是洗澡时间，她很可能会拒绝靠近浴缸。但如果你能把你的要求变成一场游戏，你就更有可能会笑而不是争吵。建议她去洗手间，数数到那里需要多少个大的(或微小的)步骤，或者编一个自己愚蠢的洗澡时间的歌。

奖励良好行为

你有可能因为给你的孩子一块饼干或者是为了防止超市的崩溃而感到内疚。不过，克兰诺博士说，尽管这种策略可能奏效，但这并不是一个好的长期策略。“当你因为孩子行为不端而奖励孩子时，她下次可能会表现得更糟糕。”更好的选择:当她表现出来的时候表扬她，用拥抱和亲吻拥抱她。她说:“一点点正面的关注真的能起到很大的作用。”

萨金特博士说，这并不是说奖励永远是禁区，尽管食物和金钱应该是。相反，你可以提供贴纸、蜡笔、额外的5分钟的游戏时间，或者在你的孩子在睡觉的时候多放一本书。一定要及时奖励她的好行为——时间太抽象了，孩子们还不能理解，所以未来的承诺并不意味着太多。

为常见的“不”场合做准备

有些时候，您可以清楚地看到“不”问题出现。当你遇到这些棘手的情况时，要准备好阻止你的孩子的反抗。

午睡时间或睡觉

这是一个大问题，因为孩子们在累的时候更有可能和你争吵。

吃饭时间

你的孩子几乎总是要从一种有趣的活动过渡到吃一顿饭的时候。

结识新朋友或开始日托

任何一种不熟悉的经历都会让一些孩子抓狂。

在购物中心或繁忙的游乐场

当他们被人、景象和声音淹没时，孩子们很少会令人愉快。

去看医生

嘿，你的孩子还没有忘记上次的打针和讨厌的药！